Grief Grabs Like Fear

It was C.S. Lewis who stated on the death of his wife that “I never knew grief felt so like fear’’.

However, I would say my grief is like a juggernaut, a frightening feeling which squeezes out all joy, happiness and any sense of normality in my life.    Instead of happy emotions – contentment and feelings of wellbeing – now there is devastation at the enormity of my loss… a sadness, an emptiness which cannot be satiated.

Bed is a sanctuary, morning the hardest time and even the energy and naughtiness of our puppy Oscar is now an irritant, instead of a joy.  Yes, he is a happy little bundle of energy who gets me out of bed each morning with his whining, but his antics cannot soothe my pining for my lost husband.

I know I wallow in misery and that’s exactly where I want to stay.  But something deep inside my broken heart, a whispering in my ear from husband that he doesn’t want me to suffer like this, propels me to search for comfort.   The uncontrollable weeping has stopped which offers hope that this despair which pervades me will also lift.  Intellectually, from my past writings I know that grief has phases, shock, guilt and anger, for instance, before time brings recovery. Profound grief can impact on your physical body, (think of that saying “died of a broken heart”, play havoc  with your emotions, cause depression and trigger bizarre behaviour. Grief can cause madness.

But the turning point to healing also must be triggered by something and I search out the things which brought me much joy when Olivier was still with me, and we did enjoy our life together even though he was ill for the past six months of his life.

This brings me to my love of flowers, which I have shared on my Life and Style by Nadine Williams Facebook.   The floral arrangements and wreaths  I received are now dying in this house and I spend the morning pulling the arrangements to pieces and throwing them out.   While I work,  I am reminded that my thoughtful friends have surrounded me with care and kindness.   Yes, I want to crawl in a hole somewhere and cover it with sack cloth and ashes, but those wonderful human beings, who are blessings in my life, close friends, family members, keep dragging me out into the sunlight.


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2 Comments to “Grief Grabs Like Fear”

  1. By Sheryl, 09/06/2012 @ 12:32 pm

    In your own special way you’ll turn this terrible grief into words that give support to others who are not able to articulate the emotions. That is just part of the legacy that Olivier has left to you and that, undoubtedly, you will build on in the coming months as you come to terms with your sadness over his loss. The experience of such a wonderful relationship has been the greatest gift and nothing can take that away from you, not even his passing. My thoughts are with you, as always. Your friend Sheryl

  2. By Bruce, 26/07/2012 @ 3:34 pm

    Nadine I have only just discovered your web page by searching for information on Prof Maddocks, and my heart felt sympathy goes out to you as you greave your loss. My wife has only recently come under the paliative care of Prof Maddocks and we are constantly amazed by everything about this wonderful person, so much so that we have nominated him for the Australian of the Year Awards and now seek others to support his nomination. Nominations close on the 31st August and the reference number 2013-1180 should be used to ensure that all information is colleted. Post or E-mail to: National Australia Day Council, Old Parliament House, King George Terrace, Parkes ACT 2600, or email to Hoping that you and others may see fit to lodge supporting information to the Council.
    With warmest regards Bruce

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